Get The Fuck Out, Bitch. I'm Doing Science

Geek the Parents

2009-08-22T20:35:00.026-05:00

You've been dating your geek for a while now. You've endured the three hour long discussion about how Star Trek (2009) was actually 'watchable' and had no extended scenes with diplomatic discussions in a different language and you can finally fall asleep despite the thousands of LED lights shining from your geek's computer.

Progress.

Now the hurdle: Meeting the parents.

You've tossed his name around one two many times and first thing you know there's a standing dinner invitation next Friday. Now you have to break the news to your geek. Use tact. When that fails, give him Modern Warfare: 2 wrapped in blow jobs. He'll eventually see the light.

Before you know it, it's Friday and your geek is simultaneously feigning interest in your father's stories, helping your mother set the table, checking his e-mail on his smart phone, and installing Linux on the oven. Could be worse.

And then it happens.

Your mother asks, "What do you do for a living, honey?"

So begins the hour long rant about how he works as a software engineer - detailing his every incredibly technical responsibility - down to the */.

The roast beef is cold, the rolls are burning and your parents are regretting your RSVP. The tables are now turned. Your parents, instead of feigning interest, wish they could feign death. At this point, you have one course of action: Interrupt the conversation and explain to Daddy that your geek "makes a very good living."

Your parents will don smiles and cheery attitudes and probably forgive the incessant techno-babble. The roast beef is still cold but thanks to the upgraded oven the rolls are just right.

- Tucker

You found your geek, now what?

2009-02-04T03:06:00.013-06:00

Your new blu-ray player is set up; that nasty virus is off of your computer and for Christmas your geek got you all the Battlestar Galactica DVDs and insisted that you watch them immediately. We're so thoughtful. Has he fulfilled his purpose? Is it time to go back to jock cock? No. We're a different breed, and we admit it. We're sorry about the Battlestar DVDs. Geeks have their downside, that's for sure. There's a good chance that half the time you wont know what we're talking about. Earlier, I bored my girlfriend out of her skull talking about two new naturally occurring minerals discovered to be harder than a diamond. (No, really. Check it out here.) I thought it was the coolest thing ever. She thought diamonds were pretty and that I should get her one.

Communication, or lack thereof, is usually the root of all problems in any relationship. If you can't understand your geek, you have no chance of making it work. I've compiled a simple translation table to help you understand what your geek is really saying.

"You won't believe the new Ubuntu distro! It has [...] come see!" | "You're important to me and I like sharing things with you."

"I'm so pissed they canceled Stargate: Atlantis." | "When I'm upset, I like to talk to you because I trust your opinions."

"Your curves on your body are as smooth and graceful as a sin(x)/2." | "I think you're hot."

"I wish our dot product were zero so my vector could be normal to your unit circle." | "Lets fuck."

| "I love you more every day."

Obviously, I'm exaggerating. But only slightly. Sometimes the things we say can seem as though they're a different !4n9u4g3. We aren't trying to make you feel stupid. We're just different.
Luckily, you don't have to know what an integral is to know we care.

We promise to let you watch the new episode of What Not to Wear even though Dr. Who is on.

- If you'll show us your boobs.

Because we haven't seen that many.

And we're trying to come up with a function that describes that cute little thing your nipples do when you get cold.

- Tucker

Beauty and the Geek

2009-01-07T23:01:00.012-06:00

Girls want geeks.

I am a geek.

I am not a nerd, nor a dork. What's the difference, you ask?

I am a functioning member of society. I go to work, I'm clean cut and am able to interact with almost any individual on their own level.

My nerd brethren, however, spend their time hiding in a dark basement desperately trying to get their Death Knight to level 80. They never sleep and their extra long and tangled hair smells of Hot-N-Readys and Monster energy drink.

In hindsight, dorks really shouldn't even be mentioned in this family because they spend most of their time trying to find the remote control to their TiVo (which they had to pay Best Buy an extra $200.00 to set up) so they can watch last night's episode of American Idol. (Their manager at Sonic doesn't think reality TV is a good reason to miss work.)

Forgive me. I've digressed from my point. Why do girls want geeks?

1.) We're generally available.
2.) We fix things.
3.) Their parents love us.
4.) Due to our analytical nature and attention to detail, we tend to be pretty damn skippy in the sack.
5.) We're almost guaranteed to make a shitload of money in our chosen career.

But unfortunately for all of you married 40-something women out there, we haven't been around that long.

Before the 20th century the royalty or landowners bought the girl.
In the 1900s the businessmen got the girl [a gift.]
In the 1950s the bad boys took the girls' virginity.
In the 1980s the jocks got the girl pregnant.

But now it's our turn.

We might not own a country. We might not be millionaires (yet.) We don't drive motorcycles and we certainly never played football. But we're sweet and thoughtful. We won't cheat on you and most importantly: We'll teach you how to set up your wireless router.

- Tucker